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Looking for Hope: What's a Girl to do With Doubt?

I've been having this struggle lately, a struggle I really don't know what to do with.

You see, I grew up in a family with steady christian beliefs that only seemed to grow stronger as I got older.  My faith hit a high point in my teen years, but then it seemed to slowly start drifting away.  It wasn't that I ever purposefully let go of it or forgot about it.  In fact, there were some times where I felt like I was doing everything I could to cling to it, but it kept getting harder and harder to hold.

When I started college I kept trying to find a church where I could get plugged in and make friends that would help me and my faith grow, but I never felt like I fit in anywhere and just kinda gave up.  (However, I did find some amazing friends in college, and I truly don't know what I would have done without them.)

As I started down the road to motherhood (You can read more about that quick trip here and here) I decided I needed to get things in order.  Bringing a child into this world was no light task and I wanted to do things right.

I knew my marriage was starting out a lot different than the norm, and it wasn't going to be easy, so I wanted to do things as right as I could.

But that's not what I want my faith to be about - just doing the right thing.  I want my faith to be genuine and honest.  I don't want to do something just because it's "the right thing to do."

I think one thing that has caused me to do a double-take on what I believe was marrying into a family who has a completely different religion than what I grew up with.  My husband is a christian, but most of his family is not.  It makes me stand back for a second and ask myself what makes what I believe right and what they believe wrong?

When people look at me and say "Why do you believe in Christianity?  How do you know it's true?"  I want to be able to look them in the eye and answer them without a shadow of doubt.

Can I be really honest with you?  I'm scared to pray about it.  (Does this even make sense?)

I'm scared that if it is all real, God will do something drastic to set me straight.  It's kinda like being scared to pray for patience, you don't want to have to endure something that makes you learn patience, but you wish you could just have it.

So, I'm at this crossroad.  Do I keep looking towards Christ?  How do I even know He's there if I can't see Him or feel Him?

I don't want to just go through the motions.

This isn't exactly what I thought I would be writing about when I started this blog, but I did promise to be honest, even if that made me imperfect (which I very much am).  And, maybe I'm not alone.

What about you?  What do you believe?  How do you know it's true?


What if you're wrong?



~Brittany

2 comments:

  1. Hey Brittany! I so admire your honesty and transparency during your search for Truth. You already know the first step: pray. Next, you may want to talk with your husband to learn more about why he chose to practice a faith that is so very different from the culture in which he grew up. How did he know it was true, etc? You also may want to check out http://www.conversiondiary.com/, a blog written by a former atheist who is now a practicing Roman Catholic. In the blog, she describes in great detail how she arrived at the conclusion that Christianity - specifically Catholicism - was the only true religion. It's very much like "Mere Christianity" for the 21st-century woman. Though I belong to a different denomination than she does, I've found it to be SO inspiring. Love you, girl :)

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  2. Hi, Brittany. You are really brave! To say all this out loud - much less on your blog!? Well, you've got more courage than I do.

    I don't think it's wrong to doubt or question. But I do think you should pray about it. I can't think of the verse(s) off the top of my head, but Scripture says that if we seek truth, God will show us. He will.

    I believe, even though I don't always understand (AT ALL). I believe because it makes sense to me and because I've seen God work and because, honestly, I think that my life is better because I do believe.

    I'll pray for you as you keep trying to figure these things out!

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